If You Are Caught Sleeping at The Job!

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."



6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"Amen"

Half a Brain

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can 
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking 
for work in six weeks." 

A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one 
person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks." 

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half 
a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them 
looking for work in two weeks." 

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. 
We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, 
and now half the country is looking for work.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" 

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, 

so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call 

her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. 

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him 

the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds 

that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and 

finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. 

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. 

He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 

"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." 

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." 

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government 

is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Agrees with everything I say.'

A man walks
into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the
ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries
and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the
same.'

Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night,
so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says
the man.

'Same,' says the
ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the
order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress
cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,'
says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there....'

'That's brilliant!'
says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the
ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with
everything I say.'

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

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HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food