I Am Not There

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sun on ripened grain.

I am the gentle Autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning hush,

I am the swift, uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

 

Parable of the Four-Poster

 

Because she wants to touch him,

she moves away.

Because she wants to talk to him,

she keeps silent.

Because she wants to kiss him,

she turns away

& kisses a man she does not want to kiss.

He watches

thinking she does not want him.

He listens

hearing her silence.

He turns away

thinking her distant

& kisses a girl he does not want to kiss.

They marry each other--

a four-way mistake.

He goes to bed with his wife

thinking of her.

She goes to bed with her husband

thinking of him.

--& all this in a real old-fashioned four-poster bed.

Do they live unhappily ever after?

Of course.

Do they undo their mistakes ever?

Never.

Who is the victim here?

Love is the victim.

Who is the villain?

Love that never dies.

Agrees with everything I say.'

A man walks
into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the
ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries
and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the
same.'

Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night,
so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says
the man.

'Same,' says the
ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the
order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress
cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,'
says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there....'

'That's brilliant!'
says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the
ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with
everything I say.'

Insan ki tamam pareshanian

Insan ki tamam pareshanian 2 batu ki waja se hain.

1. Taqdeer se zyada chahta hai.

2. Aur waqt se pehlay chahta hai.

(Imam Ghazali)

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

---

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.

Oh poor boy

Never sing for my supper I never help my neighbour Never do what is proper For my share of labour. I'm a poor boy And I'm a rover Count your coins and Throw them over my shoulder I may grow older Nobody knows How cold it grows And nobody sees How shaky my knees Nobody cares How steep my stairs And nobody smiles If I cross their stiles. Oh poor boy So sorry for himself Oh poor boy So worried for his health. You may say every day Where will he stay tonight. Never know what I came for Seems that I've forgotten Never ask what I came for Or how I was begotten. I'm a poor boy And I'm a ranger Things I say May seem stranger than Sunday Changing to Monday. Nobody knows How cold it flows And nobody feels The worn down heels Nobody's eyes Make the skies Nobody spreads Their aching heads. Oh poor boy

How to take care of your wife:

In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- In the rain (+8)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-- It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY
-- You take her out to dinner (0)
-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned_____expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)